A Visser Christmas Story
by risika-dragon
Summary: Insanity during Christmas for Vissers, Yeerks, and dragons, what else? Drunk aliens, suspicious presents, and bonfires! Poor Essam. R&R!


I'm sure all of you had a nice Christmas, or Hanukah, or whatever. However, I'll bet half my money it wasn't as, ahem, GREAT as a certain Visser's holiday special. Be warned, I can't help what crazy things happen in Esplin's Yeerkish life, just help them move along.

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**A Visser Christmas Story**

**Visser Three (of course)**

"Snowing, snowing, snowing! It's snowing, and I feel so pretty, oh so pretty! La la la la!" I heard Rissa's piping voice cry. "Death to global warming and the economy. It's sn-sn-snowing! Wheee! I feel snow-ful-licious! Whop-PEEE!"

Whispering good-bye to pleasant dreams, I wiped the dust from my eyes and dragged myself out of a very warm, very comfortable bed. Well, mattress, but it was better than anyone else's mattress, I'm sure. In the next room of the building we'd claimed for yet ANOTHER Sharing's headquarters, Rissa, Sargimf, Ellie, and Iniss were dancing around an evergreen. Well, at least they weren't sky clad--witch talk for NUDE--or drunk this time.

(What's going on now?) I asked moodily.

"It's like Christmas time, Visser Three. Like, it's the like best holiday of this planet, with lots of like presents and cookies and candy and like fat men riding red carts in the sky driven by deer that'll land on our, like, roof," Ellie explained. "Isn't it, like, wonderful?"

I glanced at the side table by the tree. (Why is there a plate of tacos and a glass of Gatorade on that?)

Sargimf snorted. "As if we'd give him a glass of spoiled milk and stale cookies. I mean, the guy travels around the world at breakneck speed with reindeer crap flying in his face. He's sadly overweight and constipated probably, doesn't have kids probably because Mrs. Claus is, er, empty, and is given a bunch of ADHD, psychotic elves to screw around with for three-hundred, sixty five days a year." He raised his scaly brow. "And you think we should give him Ellie's cookies? Do you WANT to poison Father Christmas?"

Ellie pursed her lips. "Um, like, Sargimf, you don't actually believe in like that, do you?"

"What do you mean?" the Hork-Bajir asked.

Before the pink girl could answer, Rissa interrupted, "Well, anywho, we agreed that instead, we'd give him something better. No one could turn down Mexican food and we need to keep him hydrated." She suddenly threw a necklace of red, green, and golden bells around my neck. She whispered, "And guess who gets to play Rudolph?"

I pulled her away from the room into the adjoining kitchen and swung my tail in frustration. (NO. I'm not falling for another one of your elaborate schemes. Especially one where I have to stomp around on everyone's rooftop, out in the frigid snow and shouting, Ho, ho, ho.)

"Oh, come on. All you have to do is leave for a few moments, and come back with Councilor Three carrying a bag of presents. It's tradition. Please," she begged. "It's one of the few things about my old race that I like. I'd like my new people, the Yeerks and Hork-Bajir, to enjoy it as well." She grinned. "Plus, a certain Edriss is arriving in, say, three minutes. Hubba hubba."

(THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN ME AND THE ANTI-CHRIST!) I practically yelled.

"That's not what I heard," she mused, winking.

(I'm still not participating in this garbage,) I snarled.

"Fine then. You'll simply have to listen to our song for a few hours until you agree," Rissa threatened.

(What…song…?) I asked, instantly regretting it.

Rissa left the kitchen and ran back into the room, shaking her own jingle bells necklace. "Un, deux, trios, allons-y!" The others gathered around the tree once more and sang at the top of their voices, right after Rissa added, "UNleash HELLLL!" Sargimf grabbed a sheet of cardboard, which had pictures of me…well, let's just say the events involved me on major intakes of alcohol AND oatmeal.

"_Visser Threeee, the red-nosed Andalite,_

_Used to have a shiny Blade shipsy,_

_And if you ever saw it,_

_You were also a little bit tipsy._

_All the other Yeerks used to laugh and call him names,_

_They always ranted that poor old Esplin,_

_Sucked at all the bedroom games._

_Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say,_

'_Esplin with your host so high, won't you drive me through the sky?'_

_That's how the Bandits found him,_

_Crashed into an oak tree,_

_Visser Threeee, the red-nosed Andalite,_

_He's a drunken SOB,_

_He's a drunken SOB_!"

"Like, over the top, like everyone--" Ellie started, but ducked out of the way as I came crashing forward.

"YAAAAHHHH!" Rissa screamed.

(I'm going to MURDER you and EAT you like Elfangor, you wretched little witch!) I screamed at the dragon girl. I flicked my tail forward and caught the edge of her shirt, chuckling EVILY. But the shameless little wretch merely stripped off the shirt and ran faster, ducking towards the front door. Iniss and Sargimf hooted behind her, with the Hork-Bajir eventually lashing out at Iniss. (Get back here, you gutless, cowardly, insane dapsen!) I leapt forward and we both crashed into a wall, my hands pinning her wrists back.

"Woah, eh, maybe we should've come at a later time?" I heard a familiar voice say and turned my head SLOWLY to see T.E., Edriss, and Councilor Three--in a big, red velvet suit and black boots, with a bag over his right shoulder--in the hallway. "You two seem to be in the middle of something."

I thanked my Yeerk ancestors above that she'd been wearing a bra underneath. (Eh, ahem, it's not what it looks like?)

Rissa turned a gleeful face at the newcomers. "Thank GOD! He was about to brutally abuse me, right here and now."

"No kidding," Visser One commented.

(NOT LIKE THAT!) I groaned.

Rissa brushed herself off. "Well, if you guys prefer a sky clad festivity, I'm sure we'll--" FWAPP! My blade smacked her across the head lightly, and she rolled her eyes. "Well, uh, we DO have some punch. Would you like some, T.E.? No animals were harmed in the making of it." She smirked.

"Sure," the Taxxon mumbled.

"That's the spirit!" she cheered, leading him away.

(So, eh, Visser One, Terrible Holidays to you!) I greeted.

"Whatever, Donner," she commented, pointing to the bells around my neck. "Geez, you look as though you just woke up from a nightmare or something."

I shook my head. (You've got it completely backwards.)

"PUT DOWN THE PUNCH BOWL AND NO ONE, LIKE, GETS HURT!" Ellie screeched.

Both Visser One and I lost a few shades of color and reluctantly ran into the kitchen. Standing off to the side, looking distressed for obvious reasons, were Rissa, Sargimf, Ellie, Iniss and Councilor Three. Curled up in the middle of room, tilting sideways, was our favorite vegetarian Taxxon holding his fourth bowl of punch above his head, downing the liquid in one gulp.

"T.E., what the galaxies are you doing?" Visser One screamed. "Control yourself!"

"Hic," the Taxxon replied. "I've been doing that foreeever. HIC! A good drink brought a sssolution to my problemsss." He swayed and hit a wall. "I have the perfect idea! Ssssinging! Hic!" He cleared his throat, tongue lolling out. "_Vive le vent, vive le vent, vive le vent, vive le vent d'hiver!"_

"Wonderful. He's now another stupid Taxxon spouting gibberish," Edriss groaned.

"Actually, it's like, French. Pretty close, though," Ellie said helpfully, and joined in. "Like, something about the wind and winter, I think."

The Taxxon ignored us. "_Ssssome Guinnesssss was ssspilt on the barroom floor, when the pub was clossssed for the night. HIC! Out of hissss hole crept a wee brown moussse, who ssstood in the pale moonlight. HIC HIC! He lapped up the frosssty brew and back on hisss haunches he sssat. And all night long, you could hear him roar, 'Bring on the Goddamn cat!' HICHICHIC_!"

I ran a finger down the inside of the punch bowl and sniffed it cautiously. (Oookay, who spiked the drink THIS time?)

Sheepishly, Iniss raised his hand. "I didn't think he would go this nuts, in my defense. I gave him a sip and he started slugging them down." He picked up a bottle of daiquiri and another of vodka. "Then again, it's great stuff. Maybe I could have a sip…"

(NO! Now, let's calm down and tie him up. Where's the duck tape?) I asked.

"Like, we used that up yesterday with the whip cream and fruit cake incident," Ellie said.

(What about the net?) I asked.

"Didn't you use that on Sargimf after he tried to set a stop sign on fire?" Councilor Three asked.

"Aw, he learned so quickly," Rissa said wistfully. "I couldn't have set the stage on fire myself during our little CATS getup." She sighed sweetly.

"Speaking of which, like, where did he like go?" Ellie asked.

"HIC! Let's all-HIC!-celebrate with a big ole bonfire!" a familiar voice exclaimed.

Visser One ran out of the room before any of us had time to blink. "PUT THE FLAMETHROWER DOWN RIGHT NOW OR ELSE!!!!!"

"Or else what?" the Hork-Bajir asked.

TSEEW!

"Oh…um…you make a convincing argument," he said.

Right at that moment, the cordless phone--yes, apparently I'm too cheap to buy even a cell phone--started ringing. While the rest of us started dragging T.E. toward the living room, Iniss snatched it up. "Superly Tubular Fabulous Yeerk Palace, who am I dedicating this conversation to?" he asked. Oh, give me a break already. "OH! Councilor Eight, Merry Christmas to you sir!"

I had a sinking feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

"Uh huh, uh huh. Well, don't worry. We'll be sure Edriss keeps her shirt on. Don't worry. If she isn't staring at a hunk like me, she'd have to be crazy. Probably sleep with Esplin AGAIN." He pulled his ear away from the phone as screaming erupted from it. "No, no. Well, I don't THINK she's had any alcohol yet. Or oatmeal. But we know how Visser Three likes to show his charm."

Iniss ducked away as I threw a small chair at him. "Whoops, sorry about that. Huh? Actually, I do think he might have your host's DNA. No…well, maybe to get a higher rank or something--YIPE!" I wrapped my tail around his throat as Councilor Eight spouted out his ending comment.

"WELL, TELL EDRISS I'M COMING OVER THERE RIGHT NOW!" The line went dead after a VERY audible slam.

(And Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Scrooge,) I groaned.

"PRESENTS! LIKE, OPEN THE PRESENTS!" Ellie said.

Iniss and I left the kitchen--well, me dragging him with my tail around his neck--and went back into the living room, where T.E. was swaying in the corner, muttering some rip-off song by Patty B. Sargimf was leaning into Rissa, slightly intoxicated. Ellie, Visser One, and Councilor Three sat on the other side of the room.

"Well, like, Sargimf's nearly passed out, so like, we all got gifts for each other. Like, open them up, guys," Ellie said cheerfully. "Like, who's first?"

Councilor Three rummaged through the bag, pulling out a small wrapped gift in pink paper. "To Iniss, The Sexiest Rum Tum Tugger of Jellicle Yeerks." Big GUESS who gave him that.

Iniss tore it open. "Socks…? And a tie?" he asked, staring at them for a moment. "COOL! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!"

(Wow, he's easy to please,) I muttered.

Visser One moaned. "Especially since Ellie, Rissa, and I are pasted all over it… HEY! Where'd you get that picture of me in a thong?"

Iniss nuzzled the socks. "God bless everyone…"

"Thank you, Tiny Tim," Councilor Three commented, then whipped out another gift. It was covered in silvery wrapping paper that looked a little like scales. In the middle of a set of snake fangs, were posted TO SARGIMF.

The Hork-Bajir ripped it open with a slash of his blades. Inside, was a small, stuffed green lizard with two blades on the forehead holding a box of Snickers and Kit Kat Bars. "Aww, Santa knew my favorite candy!"

The next package was to Ellie, which was wrapped with orange paper with a short message: PLEASE, STOP STALKING ME. "Like, what's this?" she asked, holding up a box and opened it. "Neato! Like, I got a hundred bucks in Yeerk coins!"

Next in line was Rissa, who's gift was wrapped with dark green paper and had a VERY interesting message. IT'S FIRM AND HARD AT FIRST, BUT SOFTEN AND GET SLIMY AFTER A FEW MINUTES. ENJOY, DEAREST! "Um…is this a joke?" she asked, sending a wary look at Sargimf and opened it. "Oh my God! Thank you, I knew it! I love Ramen!"

At this point, I was a bit excited to tell the truth, snatching my gift right when it came out of the box. I plucked out a…bottle of pills? (Does anyone know what Viagra is?) I asked and groaned as Visser One started chuckling. (Ha ha, very cute, Edriss. And I swear, even on Christmas, you have to be…there's something else!) She raised an eyebrow as I pulled out a silky red object.

"Oh! Can I have it?" Iniss asked greedily.

"I didn't put that in there!" Visser One exclaimed.

"And Merry Christmas to all and to all, a good night!" Rissa laughed as I set the bra aside.

And last but definitely least to me, was Visser One herself. Glancing around at everyone, she opened the blue package and sighed. "I wish you people would come up with some originality." She showed the red-and-black outfit to us and I grinned.

"HIC!" the Taxxon hiccupped, swaggering over on unsteady needle legs. "Thissss makess me want to sassing another sssong. HIC! I'm sure we've all heard it thisss time of year."

Soon, I found all six of the idiots, excluding Visser One who rolled her eyes in frequent intervals singing the MOST ANNOYING, WORST song Homo sapiens could have _ever _come up with. Despite the pillow around my pointed ears, I could still hear the lyrics. Woe is me.

"_On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me! Seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings! Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge in a pear tree! On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…"_

"Nine drummersss drumming!" T.E. sang.

"Nine ladies dancing!" Sargimf sang.

T.E. flicked his tongue at the Hork-Bajir. "That'sss not how it goesss. It'sss nine humansss playing a bunch of drumsss. Where do you get the ladiesss and dancing?"

"Because that's what it is. It's nine ladies dancing. Everyone knows that, you drunken fool," Sargimf spat.

"Noooo. That comessss later. And what are you talking about? You are by far a lot drunker than I am. HIC!" The Taxxon crashed into the small table by the tree, splattering Gatorade and taco bits everywhere. "Eh, whooopsssss. I swear to drunk I'm not God. HIC!"

"You're both wrong," Rissa said, shaking her red hair wildly. "It's eight wolves howling."

"Like, where do the wolves come in? There are like no wolves in the song," Ellie muttered.

Rissa pursed her lips and glowered. "That's what the corporations want you to think."

(I DO not believe this,) I sighed.

"DRUMMERSSS!"

"LADIES!"

"WOLVES!"

"CAROLERS!" Iniss shouted.

"LIKE, HUH?!"

Outside, we could hear a few carolers outside singing despite our fueled argument. Iniss stood up and went to the window. "Well, I was going to wait to go to the restroom, but duty calls." Another few moments, the humming chorus turned to screams of disgust and panic.

"And you actually wonder why I don't find you appealing," Edriss mumbled. "Would you do that from another window? We're not in a fricking Taxxon cave."

(Why didn't I lock my door this morning?) I asked myself.

Councilor Three suddenly started rummaging through the big bag again. "I was going to save this until New Year's, but we'll probably end up waking up on that day after this." He pulled out a box that could've contained a German shepherd, and cracked it open. Inside were mini glasses of liquid that could've passed for water.

(You're giving us H2O?) I asked, confused.

"Visser Three, you must look behind the appearance and see the vodka for what it truly is," Councilor Three advised. He pulled out a small bottle and took a swig. "Got that off a fortune cookie." He tossed one to the dragon girl.

Rissa's eyes widened. "I remember these! I couldn't go to sleep for three hours after midnight once and my aunt offered me a few sips of hers. I spent two hours reading a book about the Iraqi War and Saddam." She giggled. "Turned out to be a Taco Bell menu in the morning."

"So, who's ready to take the challenge?" Councilor Three said.

And, well, you know me, I could NEVER resist a challenge.

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**Visser Four**

The slight nudge in my host's abdomen had been the only thing to awaken me from slumber this morning, the one true remembrance of my Andalite lover. But after a few minutes of breakfast, coaxing to the stem of life to grow, Councilor Eight and Four suddenly popped by to announce that we were paying Visser Three a visit on Earth.

Now, I think Esplin 9466 can be the biggest idiot ever to attain one of our enemies as a host, but seeing anything with blue four and green eyes allowed me to delve back into my memories… Sorry for the sappiness, but depression pills that Visser One gave me are giving me strange thoughts.

Skipping ahead in the story of my life, we were walking down the long hallway leading to Visser Three's room.

"Look, Essam, we all understand now that it was a mistake on both their parts," Councilor Four tried to explain. "Edriss has just suffered a traumatic experience after the Andalites kidnapped and tortured her for over a week. It's a wonder she's still alive! Esplin being the one to rescue her must've set off strange, erm, impulses."

Councilor Eight's fists curled even tighter, until the tendons on his arms seemed ready to snap at the slightest addition of tension. "I don't care! He used her and he'll do it again! If that bastard touched her with one single, furry, filthy finger, I'll toss him out into Zero-space and watch him suffocate for every second that passes."

"Harsh," I said. "Isn't that taking it a bit too far. We all make mistakes." I shivered slightly at the idea that I never ONCE regretted mine. "Visser One and Three and the rest of them are just regular Yeerks like us."

We stopped outside the door and Essam's nostrils twitched. "Does anyone else smell burning resin?"

"It's coming from inside!" Councilor Four stepped back and kicked the door wide open. "Hold on, Edriss! We're coming for you--OH!"

I stared. "Oh…my…. Kandrona."

A Taxxon I recognized as T.E., Visser One's personal P.A., was in a corner spouting out Christmas carols, rolling around on the floor. A Hork-Bajir, a girl clad in pink, and Visser Three's P.A. were circling a towering pine tree that had been set aflame, bellowing out their lungs like howler monkeys. Councilor Three was spinning on the floor wrestling with a…toaster, shouting, "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOM!" A red-haired girl wearing what looked like a bikini made from leaves was perched on a couch, baying at the moon outside.

And our two favorites, Visser One and Three were holding up spoons like microphones, singing the same lyrics in unison. ("You're sooo vain. You probably think this song is about you, don't you?!")

The Hork-Bajir yipped happily, "MERRY BLAZING FIERY INFERNO CHRISTMAS AND A HELLSTORM OF NEW YEAR!"

The people didn't seem to notice the three of us run for our lives.

"Well, they seem to be having a good time, I guess," Councilor Four volunteered. "We can be sure it won't be a boring holiday."

I glanced at Essam. "Aren't you going to be a Yeerk and knock that Andalite creep into next New Year's?"

Councilor Eight glared. "Shut up and RUUUN!"

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I hope everyone had a jolly lolly Christmas and a HAPPY 2007! Happy Holidays everyone!


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